I had planned on making this bimonthly, but a few things have happened in the past few days I feel are worth writing about.
My family held a yard sale to help raise funds for me, Daniel, and my brother. We three live together, share bills, and have had a rough go of it this past couple of months.
Things went well, we made $200.00, and ended the day eating chicken with sweet potato squares and green beans, and then helping my aunt with her Microbiology lab work.
I think dinner is where things began to go wrong. I don't normally eat sweet potatoes or green beans, nor breaded chicken, but alas I was hungry and gave in.
I started feeling some abdominal pain that night and thought 'gee, this couldn't be like the obstruction I had last year. It doesn't feel nearly as bad.'
By morning, dear god, it did.
I was not passing anything either way but felt extremely nauseated and was experiencing those pains that feel (so many women with Crohn's who have given birth say) worse than giving birth. I have had labor pains before, and this is definitely far worse. Obstruction pain generally spans from below your navel to your esophagus.
I thought I could weather it out like last time but to no avail. Daniel got me to the emergency room in the morning where they asked the usual questions, found me a bed as soon as possible, and changed me into my gown; they're super comfortable by the way.
I was given fluids and a large dose of morphine. I started laughing for no reason within a few minutes, told Daniel..well...I can't remember, but it was mostly chattering and I fell asleep immediately afterward. I woke up later and had a CT scan. Prepare yourself if you ever hear you have to have one. Use the bathroom first for your own sake if it is the first time. You will taste metal and feel like things have happened with your bladder that probably didn't. Better safe than sorry though yes?
In any case, useless information aside, the diagnosis was a possible obstruction and/or ruptured ovarian cyst. There was a lot of free floating fluid in my abdomen, but they are still not sure exactly what it is.
I went in to the hospital again today at 7:30 am to have an ultrasound done just to rule a few things out, got into the admitting office where they perform all of the paperwork duties, and found out my insurance had run out.
Not the one I wanted.
They said since I was no longer covered that they would take 45% off of the bill bringing it down to approximately $175.00. I do not have that. This is basically me at the moment.
I was scheduled to visit my GI directly after the ultrasound, but could not in light of the insurance situation. I called my mother, god bless her, who spoke with my father (communications are strained between us) and worked things out. He has sent in papers for COBRA so this should last until I find my own insurance to cover what I need. Given this, I was able to go in and see my GI anyway. They said it should be okay if the COBRA papers were sent in, thank goodness.
He gave me the news about the possible obstruction and ovarian cyst, gave me orders to stay on a soft diet, increase my prednisone dose to 20 mg and slowly taper to help prevent any inflammation or further obstruction, and, to my amusement anyway, started computer talk with Daniel. I am just glad that my doctor is a human being who can bring himself to the level of the patient. I cannot believe how fortunate I am to have someone who would let me in after the insurance reached the end of its term and still really seem to care about what is going on with me.
In any case, that is where I stand. I have no more omeprazole at the moment so I need to figure out how to refill before tomorrow, am on a soft diet, semi bed rest, and plan on studying, cooking, etc. for the rest of the evening.
Tomorrow begins my ever aggressive search for insurance, a job, and some sense of peace.
One thing this has made come to mind is that I have been disappointed in myself for all the wrong reasons. We are raised to believe we're meant to be fine physically and mentally. We grow up attempting to live up to what I believe are nearly impossible standards in today's modern, ever sicker world. If you can go through life without being diagnosed with a serious illness then I am very happy for you. But for the rest of us, it's difficult sometimes to find understanding that we're not like you.
I felt lesser because I became ill, but I realized that I cannot be happy until I accept that this is what I am; I will always be this. And I felt just that much more at peace. I think this is the beginning of self acceptance and some form of love for who I am.
Life is going to be so difficult sometimes because of what has happened, but I believe I can make it. My current goals are getting my major in Environmental and Soil Sciences, using that to enter law school so I can work in environmental law, studying abroad in Japan, various locations in Europe, and hopefully Australia's Golden Coast next year for observation of coral reefs and their relation to environmental practices in our world's modern business.
Among other things. I have so many dreams, but I don't think they would ever have been anymore possible without the realization that I am sick, and that this is okay. I can still live, but just a little bit more cautiously than the average person.